December-holidays are hard

December started off really great!  On December 1st we celebrated the babies first birthday!  She is getting so big and she has really come along way from where she was.  After her party my mom and I took the boys to the zoo to see their holiday light show.  (We do it every year.)  Adam and Micah LOVED the talking Giraffe!  It was a lot of fun and some good memories were made.  The next weekend we moved to a new house.  Adam has been a bit of a mess ever since.  He kept asking me if he was going to stay with me.  I told him yes we were all going to be in the new house together but he still needs lots of reassurance.  At this point, December 8th,  its been just over one month since he has seen his bio mom.   He no longer asks for her but he is getting more and more depressed as time goes by.  Fast forward another week, still depressed but very excited for Santa to bring him a red scooter.  I keep asking him what he wants and all he says is a red scooter.  No toys.  A red scooter!  I keep telling him he can ask for more but he wont.  a few days before Christmas he bursts into tears and I ask what is wrong.  He shakes his head and says " I'm just so sad if Santa won't bring me a red scooter!"  I tell him we have to wait and see till Christmas but that he was a very good boy so I bet he will get one.  He replied  "no, I'm bad"  So I try to reassure him and get him distracted with other things (thank heaven he is only 3 and is easily distracted)  I set up a therapy intake for him and that takes place on Christmas eve.  He will get therapy.  YAY! 
CHRISTMAS MORNING...
     Well folks let me just say that Santa came!  And guess what?!  He brought Adam a red scooter!!!!  He was so excited!  Pure joy!  He got a lot of other presents too.  Anyway, after all the presents are done Adam bursts into tears and runs off to his room and goes back to bed.  So I go to talk to him.  He won't let me hold him, he just says he is feeling sad and its making his tummy hurt.  So He falls asleep for another  hour and then when he wakes up we head off to see more family.  Happy Adam is back.  But ever since then he still doesn't want me to hold him.  If I ask for a hug he says high five, if I go to give him a kiss he dodges.  Last night my friends came over.  He was happily playing with the guys but when my friend who is a girl starts to play with him he slaps her!  Well bedtime for Bonzo... emotional or not you don't hit girls.  But its hard!  I asked him if he was happy here and wants to stay with us and he really thought about it.  Then he said " I don't want to go anywhere else..."   So now we just wait and see.  His therapy can not start until we have a Child Family Team meeting (CFT) but our case worker quit on December 5th and we are still not assigned a new one, the case manager has to be at a CFT.  So finger crossed we will get one soon.  And keep our "middle monster" in your prayers as Christmas was hard for him without his mom. 
    Lee "tiny titan" is doing well not seeing her mom.   Then again I have had her since she was 8 weeks old so, to her, I am mom.  She got the hang of opening presents fast lol.   I could have saved a fortune and just wrapped empty boxes for her.  The wrapping is all she cared about.  Micah got everything he asked for and had a happy Christmas.  He woke up at 4:30 am!!!!!!  NOOOOOOOOO  mommy was up till 1am making sure everything was perfect!!!!  Sleepy me, sleepy spouse, happy kids so it was totally worth it!  Until next time.   

November

    November was a pretty good month!  The weather is beautiful and we spent a lot of time out at the park!  The case manager made a paperwork error that has stopped visits with bio mom indefinitely and the kids adjusted really well to not seeing her.  The middle of the month we went and did one of our family traditions.  We took a long drive and saw a big tree get turned on and ate candied apples.  There was also a free concert that night!  We heard Philip Phillips sing the song "Home" , which is our song to the foster babies.  I held them both the whole time he sang, and I would be a liar if I tried to tell you I didn't cry.  It was perfect.  Then we had Thanksgiving at our house and went out to my mother in laws for Turkey tacos on black Friday!  ( That's another one of our traditions)  It was all going really well and then December came along...

battles, birthdays, and BOO's!

     October has been an interesting month for us with highs and lows, wins and blows.  Together we stood as a family and rode the waves better than we have in previous months.  We are growing in leaps and bounds instead of the jerks and lurches.  October has held tears, laughter, hits, and hugs.  It has shown us where our strengths and weaknesses are.  It has made us stronger!

      As I have posted in the past, the munchkins bio mom never fails to make me cranky and bring out the roaring inner mama bear in me.   She has only made it to ONE visit this month.   After 3 no shows she was put on a plan where she would need to call in to confirm she would be there, before the kids were picked up.  It might have worked if she had actually kept her word... Instead she would call and say she was coming and the kids would be picked up.  Only then she wouldn't come.  The effects were heartbreaking.  As it turns out Adam's* tears were not from disappointment at missing the visits but because he has convinced himself that she doesn't love him.   One morning, the day after a missed visit, little man started to cry here is the conversation that followed:

Me:  Baby whats the matter?
Him: My mom no love me *sniff sniff
Me:  Yes she does Bud, she loves you so much, everyone loves you!
Him:  No, she never comes for me

At this point I just scooped him into a hug and told him how great he was and that sometimes grown ups make mistakes and do things that hurt others just like kids do and that she was just making a lot of mistakes lately but that it wasn't his fault.  It helped at the time but we are still having lots of tears about this issue.  I have been in constant contact with the lawyer and the case manager and now the new plan is that she will need to be at the visitation place before the kids will be picked up... we will see how this goes.

Adam turned three today!  His party was on Saturday and it was great!  Loud, but great!  I think it really did him good to be surrounded by people who love him.  The cake and presents didn't hurt either!  We bought him his first bike!  Of course it was lightning McQueen and has a matching helmet and a bunch of other goodies too.  He got a new game, a McQueen bedding set,  a CD, and a whole bunch of toys.    When we sang happy birthday, he sang the loudest!  It was exactly what he needed!    

First ride on the new bike!




Halloween is on Wednesday and I can not wait!  The baby is going as an elephant.  Let me just say that carters knows how to design a baby costume!  Not only is it very soft and adorable but the cuteness factor goes way up when she crawls!  Middle monster is a pirate and loves running around with his finger looking like a hook ARGing at people.  And Micah will be a ghoul, complete with chains.  We are all very excited for the candy.  Especially me, as I have a mom tax that must be paid!

 

All in all October was great!  I can not wait for more months like this one I love how much we have grown together as a family! Thank you all for reading and for any prayers or positive thoughts you send our way as we strive to make it through our first year as a foster family and build a home for these babies!  Love you all!

Our song to the babies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

A day at the farm

Fall is probably my favorite season.  The weather is finally cooling down and everything is crispy.  I love fall scents and the colors.  Mostly I love fall activities.  October fest, Halloween, pumpkin carving, the whole bit!  But especially the weather.  This weekend was so perfect we decided to spend the day at the pumpkin patch.  Jimi has an ear infection so my mom and I took the munchkins out.  It was so much fun!   We did the corn maze and everyone got to take turns leading.  We ate hamburgers and hot dogs outside, and we did lots of "farm-y" activities.  The farm had a huge air pillow which is a lot like a bounce house but bigger and with no walls.  Wow what a fun time!  Adults can go on it too so I was up there jumping with the monsters while my mom stood in the shade with the baby.  That is until the baby started waving her arms around and shrieking to join us!  So I brought the baby on too and she really loved it!
     Once we had done all the farm had to offer we piled into my car and headed to go see my Grandma.  We had a nice visit with her but it was a little too short since the baby morphed into mini monster and started crying... that's been known to happen when she gets tired.  All in all it was a great day.  Sometimes it is so easy to forget that these kids are not really my kids. Sometimes we really feel like a natural family.   That's OK though.  I want us to feel that way, even if it is more dangerous to my heart, and in the end if it goes to adoption then nothing will change but if they go home at least they will go having had an awesome time and knowing they are loved.
        Until next time, happy fall! 

The latest court update

We went back to court today and I am still a little shocked.  Everyone was under the impression that it would go to severance because bio mom hasn't been doing anything except showing up to *some of* her visits...  Everyone was wrong. 

    Today we got pushed out again!  Our next court date will not be for another six months!  I know I am shocked too!  Today I have been really quiet as I try to process what this means for our little family.  I guess the bonding assessment did find a bond.  It was not a strong bond but one they can develop.  The Psychiatrist also recommended a full scale psych evaluation because she felt it "was necessary".  The psych evaluation is why it is being pushed out so far.  I guess it will take until December for her to get the appointment, and the results will not be back until January and then she will need time to complete any counseling that would be ordered based on her mental state. So that part was bad. However, it was good because I had a great conversation with bio mom.  She told me she is going back and forth about what is best for the kids.  Her words were " The baby has been in your care her whole life, you are the only mom she knows and I am just some lady who is kinda cool to hang out with every now and then.  I love my children and I want them with me but maybe that is a selfish idea, maybe they are better off with you."     I hope she keeps going with that thought process because we are so in love with these kids that it is actually scary.  

   Another thing she said also sent me for a loop.  She told me about how when they were doing the bonding assessment Adam looked at her and said  " I want my mama"  Then she said "I am right here" to which he replied  "no, you are my mom, I want my mama"  and then tried to leave the room in search of me.

I can't imagine how painful that had to be for her.   My mother asked me what I said in response to that and I honestly can not remember.  You see, lately,  I have really been worried that Adam didn't love me,  worried he didn't want me, worried our bond wasn't that of a "real" mother and child.   So when she told me that he asks for me even when I am not around it was a profound moment.  It was like hearing your child's heart beat for the first time, or like the first time they say your name.  I am still choked up about it.   All the worrying about if we could ever be a whole healthy family if it goes to adoption went away.  He wants me even when he has her.  I don't know if I am explaining this right because I still feel ruled by my emotions tonight but I hope I am explaining it well.  "Normal moms" don't have to worry about if their child really loves them but a foster mom does and to know he wants me even when she is around is so huge!  I would be on cloud nine if it weren't for the fact we have to wait so long for the next trial.  If I had found that out and had the case plan changed to severance and adoption I am sure there would be no escaping the fallout of my joy, so tonight is bitter sweet but I will take it.  Good night all and thanks for reading!

My mom brain is failing...

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is." ~Erma Bombeck

Do you ever get mom brain?  I do all the time lately!  It seems like I always have to pause and search my brain for one of the children's birthdays!   I can understand a little with my foster babies... I mean it took me like 23 years to remember if my dads birthday was the 24th or the 25th. So I have a little time to really let theirs sink in.  But I was there for Micah's birth... its easily the most significant day of my LIFE!  And sometimes I forget! 

I am equally guilty for forgetting names.  Well, I don't forget them I just seem to forget who is who.  Most times I just end up calling all three names or pointing and saying something like " you, no you, in the blue shirt... come here please"  Mom brain at its finest.

Jimi would say that I am at my worst when distracted.  My son will ask me a simple question like whats 6+6 and I will say  "I don't know" or " yeah, sure honey"  Then Jimi will laugh at me and say you really don't know what 6+6 is?  I had better get this mom brain under control before my kids think they are smarter than me a little too early.

      
        

Of Butterflies and Second Chances

So I have been thinking a lot about yesterdays blog and all the feelings I had yesterday.  Pretty negative stuff and that just isn't me.  I am pretty much a happy camper and I don't like to be angry.  Well...I still am.  The thing is, that the more time goes by and the more I calm down, I realize that first and foremost I am a Christian.  My blog yesterday didn't really show that, did  it?   I have a pretty liberal view of Christians.  You see a Christian, to me, is a lot like an alcoholic.  * hear me out here*

Christians are trying to be like Christ.  That's no easy feat.  Just like an alcoholic goes to AA and tries to be sober...also not easy.   Sometimes Christians and alcoholics "fall off the wagon"  they start drinking again or in my case spew hateful messages.  But what happens after?  Alcoholics go to AA and start counting again:  Its been 1 day since my last drink....   Christians ask forgiveness and give it in return.  Its been one day since my last hateful thought toward bio mom.  Its not my job to judge her.  I will be patient and kind, I will turn the other cheek, I will forgive. 
I will set the example for my children, for my friends, and for my family.  So for now a poem by Karen Kingsbury 



                                          Of Butterflies and Second Chances
                                         I tell of hearts and souls and dances...
                                         Butterflies and second chances;
                                         Desperate ones and dreamers bound,
                                         Seeking life from barren ground,
                                         Who suffer on in earthly fate
                                         The bitter pain of angry hate.
                                         Might but they stop and here forgive
                                         Would break the bonds to breath and live
                                         And find that God in goodness brings
                                         A chance for change, the hope of wings
                                         To rest in Him, and self to die
                                         And so become a butterfly.

I wish she could see...

       So today bio mom of the year ( heavy sarcasm)  broke my little guys heart, again.  Not only did she miss her visit, she didn't even have the heart, or courtesy to call.  So the parent aid came to the house and picked up the kids, took them all the way to the CPS office, waited for a while, and then had to bring them all the way home.  Poor middle monster was crushed.  I wish she could see what she does to this poor kid when she fails to show up.  I know I have blogged about this before but really.  What did she have to do that was SO important she couldn't make it to the visit.  She gets to see these kids only 4 hours a WEEK. If I only had 4 hours a week with my kid I would only miss a visit if I were dead.  And if I HAD to miss you can bet I would call to let them know, that way it wouldn't be so devastating.  Its not like she doesn't know he gets upset.  I have told her that he cries every time and she always acts like she feels bad about it but if she really felt bad she wouldn't miss so much. 
          On an up note, today was talk like a pirate day so I already had some fun activities planned.  We made some pirate jewelry and hats out of newspaper then we cuddled on the couch to watch Peter Pan.  Yay for distraction!  I would put in pics if I could but confidentiality will not allow it.  Just know he was WICKED cute in his paper hat and macaroni necklace with a big medallion on it!  I hope one day, when her babies belong to me and I get to share the joys of their wins and the happy times she finds this blog, and knows in her heart that I am writing about her, that it eats her away.  I hope she suffers for reading what she did to her baby girl and to her son.  I hope it keeps her up at night.  That may be a bad way to feel but I look at this great kid who just wants her to love him, I see him get up and happily put on his new Thomas the tank socks and then wait by the window for the truck to take him to see her,  and I see him bounce when the truck arrives.  Pure joy to go and show her his new socks... Then I see him on my door step face covered in tears and little lip quivering because she had something more important to do than be his mother.  That's the kind of thing that makes me wish she would just quit already.  But she is too selfish even to do that.   That is why I hate her.  And that is why when this goes to adoption she will never get to hear from us or see them again. Why would I open him up to such heart ache again?
         

don't leave me hanging!!!

     As a foster parent there are some things that you just have to deal with.  The worst is the uncertainty about, well, everything.  You see the kids have to go to like 50,000 appointments per month.  Okay I may be slightly over exaggerating but not by much.  I actually have THREE calendars going on to keep us organized.  I know that's crazy right!  I think when this is all said and done I should be able to put something really impressive on my resume.  At the very least I can now say I am good at organizing people... don't look in my cupboards though because then you will see how unorganized I am in pretty much all other areas.   That being said, the kids go to appointments and some are super important.  The kids and their mom just had a bonding assessment done which is going to DECIDE what happens to our family.  Whats your next question?  Probably the same as mine was.  " How did it go?"  Being only the foster parent means you don't get to know.  Its a big secret.  Yes folks.  The decision that can bring us supreme joy or utter despair is one we don't get to find out until we go back to court on October 1st.   So why the secret?
      Let me tell you that knowing in advance is the best way.  Every now and then I get close to panic because WOW September is flying by!  Where is it going?   Is it possible I only have two more weeks with my babies?  What are we going to do to make the next two weeks the best weeks in the world if that is all we are going to have?  Don't get me wrong.  It is not probable that they will go home on October 1st.  Their mother is... different.  She isn't doing all she is supposed to be doing so my guess is they will be sticking around.  But who really knows.  I mean that poor little girl Jhessy S. went back to her bio mom and ended up dead so clearly the system doesn't always work.   I think about that sweet baby Jhessy all the time and wonder if her foster mom prayed that she wouldn't go home like I do for my babies.  I wonder if her foster mom loved her, and how she dealt with the news that she was going home, and then finding out she was missing presumed dead.  I can't imagine. 
      Things like that keep me up at night.  I think when everything is said and done I am going to swear off surprises.  From now on I want to know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen.  No more of this hanging on a wish and a prayer. 

Somedays are just harder...

    I think in any family some days are just harder than others. Especially when there is a two year old in that family.  Well I have been having a harder two weeks with my two year old.  He has to challenge EVERYTHING I say.  He has started to lie and not little lies either he sticks to his story until the bitter end.  For example the other day he threw a ball in the house.  I watched him do it.  This was the conversation that followed.

Me: Adam! We do not throw balls in the house. 
A:  no, I didn't
Me:  I just watched you throw the ball
A:  Nuh uh
Me:  Adam I do not like lieing.  You threw the ball.  You need to say you're sorry and then take the ball outside.
A:  Micah threw the ball!

At this stage I feel it is important to tell you that Micah is at school during this whole conversation.

Me: (deep breath, pinch the bridge of my nose) Adam, Micah is not here you threw the ball.  Now give me the ball and go sit on your bed until you are ready to say you are sorry for throwing the ball in the house.
A:  ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (spikes ball to the floor and races to his room where he sits on his bed for 45 minutes before falling asleep. )

Welcome to my world...

Then there are other things that just get you down like you get so excited because the boys are playing all happy in their room and you think I'm going to drink a nice glass of ice water on the couch! But you never get that ice water because as soon as you open the cupboard door the kids sense it and come running.  No longer are they content to be happy in their room, nope.  Now they need a drink too, and a snack to go with the drink, then there is going to be sooo much excitement about snack time that someone will spill their water... If you've ever read the book " If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"  you know what happens every time I want to do something for myself.

So yesterday was not my shining moment... I was just so over Adam.   Everything he did was an assault to my mood.  He woke up miserable and whiny and then took a nap to short to resolve that problem.  So he had been bugging me for most of the day and I tell Jimi that I am just super frustrated and not really "feeling the love for Adam".  Well he decides to "help" me by telling me to " fake it till I feel it"  Which, to be fair, was what I told him when he was having a hard time bonding to our middle monster.  So the next second Adam announces that he is hungry and he wants a peanut butter and jelly... Then Jimi pipes up " ok buddy, mama will make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."   You know the expression if looks could kill... yup Jimi should be dead right now!  So I say "um no... you need to do it I am just done today."  And Jimi says " fake it till you feel it"  well I was not feeling the love and I am not a super great faker so I made the peanut butter and Jelly sandwich of RAGE Try to picture me yanking the cupboard door open and tearing down the bread.   I then slap the bread onto the counter and snatch up a slice and angrily cover it with peanut butter.  Then I do the same with jelly.  Then I smash the two halves together and plop them down in front of Adam without another word and walk out of the room.  Not my best moment. Safe to say my mother of the year award in now coming under review.  But the crazy part is its all to easy to see how I was just a nut job by the light of a new morning.  Really, I knew that I was a nut job about 5 minutes after I made said sandwich.  Now Adam didn't seem to care about my tantrum, why would he?  He has like 5 a day.  But to be the bigger person I went out and apologized to him.  Then proceeded to feel guilty for the rest of the day.  I mean isn't the best ingredient of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich love?  I had totally left that out. 
Moral of the story is it is not easy being a foster parent.  There are some days that I can not imagine my life without him in it and other days I am just waiting for his mother to arrive and take him home. Some days he feels like my child, and other days I feel resentful of this little moody stranger who has come here with the sole purpose of ruining my life... some days are just harder and you really do have to fake it, till you feel it.   Thanks for reading! 

writers block...

I am not sure why, but the last couple of months have been super hard for me to write anything.  I am choosing to blame the heat, choosing to claim that the sun fried my brain thus making it impossible for me to write anything.  Or maybe it is because my oldest was on his summer break and we were off doing too many super awesome summer time things to stop an update the blog... yeah that's it, that's the one I'm going with.  So were have been doing all these great things , and we really have too.   The kids now know all about the state we live in.  They saw most the tourist destinations only a few were left unexplored but I think that is good because there will be other summers.  I like exploring my state, I think everyone should do it!  I know New Yorkers who have never seen the Statue of Liberty or the Brooklyn Bridge and I think that is sad.  I mean people fly in from all over the world to see this stuff, and here we are just a car trip away and totally take it for granted!
      The boys got new bedroom furniture and the little princess has been keeping me on my toes.  I remember before she crawled... I remember wishing she would hurry up and crawl.  That wish was short lived because the minute she started crawling my first thought was "Oh, crap, shes mobile!!! "  Now every time I turn around the baby is gone.  And it is way worse with her, because unlike my son she doesn't take a pacifier.  See Micah loved his pacifier, so he never felt the need to stick anything and everything else in his mouth.  Little princess, however, decided WAY too early that pacifiers were for suckers and she wasn't going to have any part of them.  But that's a big problem because now she wants to put everything in her mouth.  I swear this kid is going to get the plague.  I spend most of my time trying to block the flow of things headed toward her mouth.  Hmmm maybe that is why I haven't been updating the blog enough....
  On an up note she got her DOC band, which is like a helmet to make her head shape get better.  At first I was upset about her needing one, but as it turns out, this thing is a great crash helmet.  The other day we were at a restaurant and the baby was sitting in a high chair at the table.  Well she sneezed and her head flew forward and smacked into the table.  I gasped and waited for the scream but it never came because she hit the plastic of her helmet and not her forehead.  It is now my must have piece of baby gear.  When she gets it off I will probably have a panic attack!  Well, thanks for reading and I swear I will get better about writing more often! 

Our first FCRB and Hearing

OK so this morning we went to our very first FCRB ( fostercare review board meeting).  I was very nervous about it because I had no idea what to expect.  It was a cake walk.  The panel consisted of three older ladies, a stenographer, and an observer.  We were there and so was bio mom.  The ladies asked us questions and read a statement from the case manager and then we were off to the hearing.  As expected we didn't get either good news or bad news.  The court stated that they didn't have enough information either way so the permanency decision is being postponed until October 1st... Now we wait.

circus, circus, get your ticket to the circus here!

Here are some things I NEVER thought I would say...A peek inside our own personal circus!
Please don't lick the window.
No, no, no we NEVER flush our underwear down the toilet
Yes, you make a very good horse. 
No we can not leave Adam at walmart
Please don't sit on the cat
Shoes are not for tasting.
See that's what happens when you fight over a rubber band. 
Because babies don't bounce when they fall, that's why. 
No! Lee doesn't like having stickers on her face.
I like butterfly kisses and kid kisses but you may not give me puppy kisses anymore!
No, guys we can not take the cat on our walk. 
Adam duck starts with D its D D D DUCK  say DUCK,  OK stop saying duck... I think we need to leave...

OMG PTC FCRB blaaaaa

       CPS has a thing for acronyms.  I got an email yesterday that even though it had only 6 sentences took me a good 20 minutes to read.  Every sentence had at least one acronym in it.  And, as I am a first time participant in the foster care circus, I had to look them all up.   For extra fun one of the acronyms was not in my " foster parents go to guide" book so I had to google it.   I think that for only six sentences my case manager would just write them out.  Instead I now have the mental image of my case manager as a high school girl crouched over her cell phone in a texting frenzy all while lol-ing at my expense.

Good Things

    The kids are doing so well lately.  Adam is done with his crisis therapy and the baby is rolling over, and over, and over lol.  I think she might be teething because she was up every two hours last night and that is VERY unlike her.  She is serious about her sleep.  This morning her gums looked a little puffy.  Today they go on a visit with their mother.  The visits are good for Adam but kind of stressful for the baby.  Not like they used to be when she would cry in her sleep after or make me hold her ALL day.  But when she gets home she will want me to "wear" her.   When my son was born I didn't have a sling or a wrap or any of this baby wearing junk.  He was a typical happy baby.  He knew he was loved from the start and didn't really need that constant reassurance that I would be there.  Lee does.  She loves her sling, and if any of you are considering foster or adoption of a baby I suggest you get one!  So handy.  I can pack her around all day long and still have the use of both my arms.  She is such a snuggle bug!  Lord knows I love this baby!  I must pray 100 times a day that I get to keep her.   That I get to keep both of them really.  They bring so much color and joy into my life I can not imagine it without them. 
    In our training class they told us to try to not get too attached.  Yeah, cause that is possible.  I am so beyond attached.  I worry I will be a disaster if they leave.  Typically the state makes a permanency decision after only 6 months.  However since mom is doing her steps to get them back just not quickly enough, and since what she did to the baby was so horrible, we have been put on a year plan.  This scares the crap out of me.  How can I raise these kids for a year and then possibly lose them?   And what about the kids?  Adam adores his mom and she adores him.  She is all about Adam.  So I think if he went home to her after a year he would be happy and safe with her.  But the baby is another thing.  The baby does not like her bio mom.  She likes me.  I am the only Mama she knows and I think it would destroy her to leave me.  Plus, I don't trust her bio mom as far as I can throw her.  I think that if she had a chance to get just Adam back she would wave her parental rights to the baby.  Only time will tell.  In the meantime I am going to love these babies like they are my own because while they are with me they are. 
  

Visit with Dad gone wrong

    The time came for bio dad to get some visitation.  Adam was SOOOO excited!  But as we are standing on the curb loading him into the mini van that transports him to visits the case aid gets a call.  Dad isn't coming.  To say that Adam was upset is the understatement of the year.  He went totally insane.  After 2 hours of screaming, crying, and destructive behaviour he finally fell asleep on his bedroom floor.  I called the lawyer, our new case manager, and my lisencing agent.  When he woke up he started the screaming again.  He does not want me, he does not want Jimi.  Any attempt to comfort him is met with kicks, bites, and punches.   When he spit in my face I set him down and walked away.  The case manager called in a crisis intervention.  Adam was unmanageable.  Everything was a fight. He would have major meltdowns that would last 40 minutes to an hour then get 5 minutes of peace just to have another meltdown.  Jimi and I very seriously considered giving up.  But he is only 2 and between the both of us we manage to make it through the worst two weeks of our lives as a family.  But we still asked ourselves " what were we thinking" almost everyday. 

FRUSTRATION

OK so "Adam" is sick... He wakes up in the middle of the night and screams for about 2 hours.  He is holding onto his ears and he has a bad cough.  I want to take him to the doctor but I can't because when the case aid dropped him off she didnt bring his papers.  The doctor will not see him without those papers.  I keep calling and emailing his case manager.  but she does not respond.  I even get my licensing agent involved.  She is a rock star about getting stuff done!  She gets no responce.  Finally in desperation I call the CPS hotline.  The man I speak too is nice enough to give me the information I need and fax the papers to the doctors office.  When we get to the doctores she checks his ears and recoils.  Then she checks again.  I am informend that this is the worst ear infection she has ever seen and that it will most likely rupture his ear drum.  She is in shock, I am in shock and poor Adam is in pain.  We leave with a new perscription and a flicker of hope.   Fast forward 10 days, antibiotics still are not helping, still in pain, still coughing.  New perscription and a breathing machine. Now for extra fun we add in vomiting.  About this time the baby start to cough.  It takes her down HARD!  We go to urgent care, then the hospital, then we are sent home only to get a phone call telling me to take her to the childrens hospital right away.  On the way there the baby vomits so much I pull to the side of the freeway.  Now I have to debate... call 911 and wait for the ambulance to track us down or strap her back into the car seat and continue to drive to the hospital.  So, in a panic, I strap her back into the carseat and keep going.  I decided to not call 911 because I was about 3 miles from the hospital and I could get her there before the ambulance could even get to us.  She is taken into the er and a parade of doctors comes through our room. The same staff was on that night as was on the day she first went to the hospital with her mother back in January.  They had recognized her name on the board and they all wanted to see the baby who lived.  ( One tearful nurse told me they didn't think she would make it through the night when she came in with her mother.)  The baby stays 3 days in the hospital for RSV.  Meanwhile Adam is still sick.  Another course of antibiotics and nothing.  Finally he gets some kid of injection and that clears it up.  Once the ear is cleared the doctor tells me there is scar tissue on his ear drums from past ear infections that have gone untreated.   Meanwhile I still know nothing about this little boy who has come to live with me.  I don't even know his middle name.  He can't talk and he wont eat ANYTHING that might even be almost healthy.  If it isn't junk he will not eat it.  I tried the whole, this is what we are eating and if you don't like it dont eat it, bit.  He didn't eat for a whole day!  So frustraiting.

Visits and a BIG surprise!

The baby came back from her first visit in bad shape.  She was curled back into the fetal position and she cried even in her sleep.  My heart broke for her all over again.  The next day her lawyer came out and told us some big news.  She has an older sibling also in foster care.  He is 2 years old.  I asked the lawyer why we didn't know about him before.  She didn't know.  Then she asked if we wanted him too, lol.  I told her I would have to talk to Jimi about it but in my heart I already knew I wanted him and that he should be with his sister.  I talked to Jimi, and then we talked to Micah.  Remember, Micah only wanted a sister who couldn't walk yet, so we didn't know if this would be ok with him or not.  Little kids have big emotions and we wanted to make sure he was ok.  Our fears were unfounded.  He was more than excited!  I called the lawyer who called the case manager.  The case manager then called me and told me that he would be coming the next day!  I asked if we could have till Friday to prepare and she said " No, I will drop him off tomorrow at noon!"  ( We did not like our first case manager)  So, we went into scramble mode.  Made a late night trip to walmart and bought as much stuff for him as we could givin that we knew nothing about him.  The next day he arrived after the visit with his mom.  The case manager didn't even come with him it was just a case aid and she literally set him down on our door step and said "  This is *Adam* , he didn't come with any stuff."  Then she turned around and walked away!!!!!  We were in shock! "Adam" started to cry and Jimi scooped him up for a hug.  He was also small for his age so the clothing I bought for him the day before didn't fit.  He had only the clothes he was wearing and an extra shirt in a backpack and one toy car.  I noticed he walked funny with his shoes on and since his were pretty beat up we went shoe shopping and I found out his shoes were two sizes too small.  - This, to me, was pretty alarming because he had been in foster care for nearly a month before coming to me so I would have thought that his previous foster mom would have at least bought him some shoes that fit-   Lesson learned: not all foster parents are created equal, and not all are good people.
Two days after Adam arrived I walked around the corner to see him staring very intently at the baby.  When he saw me watching him he said "sat *Lee*?" (Is that Lee) I said "yes thats *Lee*"  Then he asked "sat my Lee?"  and I said yes that is your Lee.  He burst into tears and started to pet her and just touch her all over as if he was trying to make sure she was really there.  All while saying "Lee lee Mylee"   -That kind of stuff makes all the bad stuff worth while. -
*names changed for confidentiality*

Introductions

     By the time I get the baby home Jimi, Micah and my mom are all waiting and excited.  Micah must have been watching from the window because he ran out to greet us.  One look and he was hooked too.  Jimi, Micah, my mom, and I pass the baby around for a while then we eat dinner and my mom goes home.  I am not 100% sure but I think she was also hooked.  After she leaves I give the baby a bath and I cry when I see her undressed.  The protective urge fills me and I have a new hatred for her mother.  I give her a bath, lotion her up, put her in some new pajamas and give her more food.  I watch her sleep and I still cant believe how small she is.  At 8 weeks old she weighs less than our son did at birth and she is still in a size new born diaper and clothes.  I wake her up every four hours to eat.  She never cries yet she looks so sad.  Her eyes are sunken in and I can see every one of her ribs.  The next day we take her to the doctor for a weight check and bring her back to our house.  The next week she goes to her first visit with her bio mom. 

Placement

We got her!  OMG I need to go get her now!  I am a planner.  I have had the diaper bag packed and in the room that will be for the baby for the last two weeks now, the car seat has been in the car for a week, and the house is spotless.  Sometimes the state drops them off to your door and sometimes you go pick them up.  This baby was not in awesome shape and there were a bunch of discharge instructions from the hospital so I am going to get her.  I hug Jimi and Micah,while repressing the urge to scream like a teenage girl, and then get into the car.  I drive as close to the speed limit as is possible in my excitement.  Thank God for cruise control because without it I am sure I would have broken the sound barrier on the way to the hospital to pick her up.  On my way there the case manager tells me that she is in the PICU ( pediatric intensive care unit) and a little bit about what happened to her.  My heart is broken for this baby.  She also tells me that bio mom is there and we can do our ice breaker right away.  But, by the time I got to the hospital mom had snuck out the door.  No ice breaker for me.  I walk to the room where the baby is.  I peek into the crib... She is so tiny,  so beautiful, that's it I'm hooked.  I hold her while the doctor and the case manager flood me with information.  I feed her a bottle and put her into the car seat and we are headed home.  

Home Study

     For any of you who have not gone through this process, let me tell you that the home study is nerve wracking!  Someone comes out to our house with a clip board and ask us every detail of our lives.  They talk to our son and ask him how he feels about our family.  They walk around and look in our cupboards.  They look at our bank accounts and the last 28 YEARS of our residential history!  This was especially difficult for me as I was only 27 years old when we did this.  I had to get a notary to sign off that I could not provide 28 years of residential history because I have only been around for 27 years.   It seemed ridiculous to me that they needed to know where I lived for my whole life.  Then you have to wait while they decide if you are a "good enough" family.  That is awful.  Fortunately for us we didn't have to wait too long and once we got the approval notice and our license the phone started ringing.
     We talked to our son about everything during this process.  We wanted him to feel included and comfortable.   He was all for it, but he only wanted a baby sister.   And she could be any age that couldn't walk yet because he wanted to teach her that.  We said OK and specified on our license that we would take girls aged 0-1.  The first call we got was for a 6 month old girl.  But she was from somewhere in Buckeye and they found another foster family for her that was closer.  ( Its all about location) The 2nd call was for an 8 week old baby girl...
   
   

Decision Time

       Making the decision to be foster parents was kind of hard.  There was so much to think about!  Can we love someone elses baby like our own?  Can our family members love someone else's baby like its our own?  Will they accept her?  What if everyone loves her and then she goes home to her bio family?  What then?  What will this do to our son?  Do we have the space, do we have the money?  Can we do this?
        We think we can, but our family is a little nervous.  I think most people think that if I can't have my own baby maybe I should just be done, you know, be happy with the one child I already have.  I am happy with my son.  He is my world!  He brings more joy to my life than ever anticipated.  The love I have for him is so powerful sometimes it hurts!  And there are other kids out there who need that type of love and we have it to give.  So, maybe this can work...
      We signed up for the classes that you have to take to become foster parents.  The classes take 10 weeks meeting once a week for three hours a night.  Then there is home work too.  All through the class we feel supported and prepared.  We are ready.  Sign us up!

The Beginning

So, the doctor said I can't have more babies.  LAME.  I want another baby.  Jimi wants another baby.  Even Micah wants a baby.  How do we get a baby?  OHHHH we can foster to adopt!  What a great plan this will be!   It will be easy , it will be fun!

WOW we were so naive.