My mom brain is failing...

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is." ~Erma Bombeck

Do you ever get mom brain?  I do all the time lately!  It seems like I always have to pause and search my brain for one of the children's birthdays!   I can understand a little with my foster babies... I mean it took me like 23 years to remember if my dads birthday was the 24th or the 25th. So I have a little time to really let theirs sink in.  But I was there for Micah's birth... its easily the most significant day of my LIFE!  And sometimes I forget! 

I am equally guilty for forgetting names.  Well, I don't forget them I just seem to forget who is who.  Most times I just end up calling all three names or pointing and saying something like " you, no you, in the blue shirt... come here please"  Mom brain at its finest.

Jimi would say that I am at my worst when distracted.  My son will ask me a simple question like whats 6+6 and I will say  "I don't know" or " yeah, sure honey"  Then Jimi will laugh at me and say you really don't know what 6+6 is?  I had better get this mom brain under control before my kids think they are smarter than me a little too early.

      
        

Of Butterflies and Second Chances

So I have been thinking a lot about yesterdays blog and all the feelings I had yesterday.  Pretty negative stuff and that just isn't me.  I am pretty much a happy camper and I don't like to be angry.  Well...I still am.  The thing is, that the more time goes by and the more I calm down, I realize that first and foremost I am a Christian.  My blog yesterday didn't really show that, did  it?   I have a pretty liberal view of Christians.  You see a Christian, to me, is a lot like an alcoholic.  * hear me out here*

Christians are trying to be like Christ.  That's no easy feat.  Just like an alcoholic goes to AA and tries to be sober...also not easy.   Sometimes Christians and alcoholics "fall off the wagon"  they start drinking again or in my case spew hateful messages.  But what happens after?  Alcoholics go to AA and start counting again:  Its been 1 day since my last drink....   Christians ask forgiveness and give it in return.  Its been one day since my last hateful thought toward bio mom.  Its not my job to judge her.  I will be patient and kind, I will turn the other cheek, I will forgive. 
I will set the example for my children, for my friends, and for my family.  So for now a poem by Karen Kingsbury 



                                          Of Butterflies and Second Chances
                                         I tell of hearts and souls and dances...
                                         Butterflies and second chances;
                                         Desperate ones and dreamers bound,
                                         Seeking life from barren ground,
                                         Who suffer on in earthly fate
                                         The bitter pain of angry hate.
                                         Might but they stop and here forgive
                                         Would break the bonds to breath and live
                                         And find that God in goodness brings
                                         A chance for change, the hope of wings
                                         To rest in Him, and self to die
                                         And so become a butterfly.

I wish she could see...

       So today bio mom of the year ( heavy sarcasm)  broke my little guys heart, again.  Not only did she miss her visit, she didn't even have the heart, or courtesy to call.  So the parent aid came to the house and picked up the kids, took them all the way to the CPS office, waited for a while, and then had to bring them all the way home.  Poor middle monster was crushed.  I wish she could see what she does to this poor kid when she fails to show up.  I know I have blogged about this before but really.  What did she have to do that was SO important she couldn't make it to the visit.  She gets to see these kids only 4 hours a WEEK. If I only had 4 hours a week with my kid I would only miss a visit if I were dead.  And if I HAD to miss you can bet I would call to let them know, that way it wouldn't be so devastating.  Its not like she doesn't know he gets upset.  I have told her that he cries every time and she always acts like she feels bad about it but if she really felt bad she wouldn't miss so much. 
          On an up note, today was talk like a pirate day so I already had some fun activities planned.  We made some pirate jewelry and hats out of newspaper then we cuddled on the couch to watch Peter Pan.  Yay for distraction!  I would put in pics if I could but confidentiality will not allow it.  Just know he was WICKED cute in his paper hat and macaroni necklace with a big medallion on it!  I hope one day, when her babies belong to me and I get to share the joys of their wins and the happy times she finds this blog, and knows in her heart that I am writing about her, that it eats her away.  I hope she suffers for reading what she did to her baby girl and to her son.  I hope it keeps her up at night.  That may be a bad way to feel but I look at this great kid who just wants her to love him, I see him get up and happily put on his new Thomas the tank socks and then wait by the window for the truck to take him to see her,  and I see him bounce when the truck arrives.  Pure joy to go and show her his new socks... Then I see him on my door step face covered in tears and little lip quivering because she had something more important to do than be his mother.  That's the kind of thing that makes me wish she would just quit already.  But she is too selfish even to do that.   That is why I hate her.  And that is why when this goes to adoption she will never get to hear from us or see them again. Why would I open him up to such heart ache again?
         

don't leave me hanging!!!

     As a foster parent there are some things that you just have to deal with.  The worst is the uncertainty about, well, everything.  You see the kids have to go to like 50,000 appointments per month.  Okay I may be slightly over exaggerating but not by much.  I actually have THREE calendars going on to keep us organized.  I know that's crazy right!  I think when this is all said and done I should be able to put something really impressive on my resume.  At the very least I can now say I am good at organizing people... don't look in my cupboards though because then you will see how unorganized I am in pretty much all other areas.   That being said, the kids go to appointments and some are super important.  The kids and their mom just had a bonding assessment done which is going to DECIDE what happens to our family.  Whats your next question?  Probably the same as mine was.  " How did it go?"  Being only the foster parent means you don't get to know.  Its a big secret.  Yes folks.  The decision that can bring us supreme joy or utter despair is one we don't get to find out until we go back to court on October 1st.   So why the secret?
      Let me tell you that knowing in advance is the best way.  Every now and then I get close to panic because WOW September is flying by!  Where is it going?   Is it possible I only have two more weeks with my babies?  What are we going to do to make the next two weeks the best weeks in the world if that is all we are going to have?  Don't get me wrong.  It is not probable that they will go home on October 1st.  Their mother is... different.  She isn't doing all she is supposed to be doing so my guess is they will be sticking around.  But who really knows.  I mean that poor little girl Jhessy S. went back to her bio mom and ended up dead so clearly the system doesn't always work.   I think about that sweet baby Jhessy all the time and wonder if her foster mom prayed that she wouldn't go home like I do for my babies.  I wonder if her foster mom loved her, and how she dealt with the news that she was going home, and then finding out she was missing presumed dead.  I can't imagine. 
      Things like that keep me up at night.  I think when everything is said and done I am going to swear off surprises.  From now on I want to know what is going to happen and when it is going to happen.  No more of this hanging on a wish and a prayer. 

Somedays are just harder...

    I think in any family some days are just harder than others. Especially when there is a two year old in that family.  Well I have been having a harder two weeks with my two year old.  He has to challenge EVERYTHING I say.  He has started to lie and not little lies either he sticks to his story until the bitter end.  For example the other day he threw a ball in the house.  I watched him do it.  This was the conversation that followed.

Me: Adam! We do not throw balls in the house. 
A:  no, I didn't
Me:  I just watched you throw the ball
A:  Nuh uh
Me:  Adam I do not like lieing.  You threw the ball.  You need to say you're sorry and then take the ball outside.
A:  Micah threw the ball!

At this stage I feel it is important to tell you that Micah is at school during this whole conversation.

Me: (deep breath, pinch the bridge of my nose) Adam, Micah is not here you threw the ball.  Now give me the ball and go sit on your bed until you are ready to say you are sorry for throwing the ball in the house.
A:  ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG (spikes ball to the floor and races to his room where he sits on his bed for 45 minutes before falling asleep. )

Welcome to my world...

Then there are other things that just get you down like you get so excited because the boys are playing all happy in their room and you think I'm going to drink a nice glass of ice water on the couch! But you never get that ice water because as soon as you open the cupboard door the kids sense it and come running.  No longer are they content to be happy in their room, nope.  Now they need a drink too, and a snack to go with the drink, then there is going to be sooo much excitement about snack time that someone will spill their water... If you've ever read the book " If You Give a Mouse a Cookie"  you know what happens every time I want to do something for myself.

So yesterday was not my shining moment... I was just so over Adam.   Everything he did was an assault to my mood.  He woke up miserable and whiny and then took a nap to short to resolve that problem.  So he had been bugging me for most of the day and I tell Jimi that I am just super frustrated and not really "feeling the love for Adam".  Well he decides to "help" me by telling me to " fake it till I feel it"  Which, to be fair, was what I told him when he was having a hard time bonding to our middle monster.  So the next second Adam announces that he is hungry and he wants a peanut butter and jelly... Then Jimi pipes up " ok buddy, mama will make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."   You know the expression if looks could kill... yup Jimi should be dead right now!  So I say "um no... you need to do it I am just done today."  And Jimi says " fake it till you feel it"  well I was not feeling the love and I am not a super great faker so I made the peanut butter and Jelly sandwich of RAGE Try to picture me yanking the cupboard door open and tearing down the bread.   I then slap the bread onto the counter and snatch up a slice and angrily cover it with peanut butter.  Then I do the same with jelly.  Then I smash the two halves together and plop them down in front of Adam without another word and walk out of the room.  Not my best moment. Safe to say my mother of the year award in now coming under review.  But the crazy part is its all to easy to see how I was just a nut job by the light of a new morning.  Really, I knew that I was a nut job about 5 minutes after I made said sandwich.  Now Adam didn't seem to care about my tantrum, why would he?  He has like 5 a day.  But to be the bigger person I went out and apologized to him.  Then proceeded to feel guilty for the rest of the day.  I mean isn't the best ingredient of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich love?  I had totally left that out. 
Moral of the story is it is not easy being a foster parent.  There are some days that I can not imagine my life without him in it and other days I am just waiting for his mother to arrive and take him home. Some days he feels like my child, and other days I feel resentful of this little moody stranger who has come here with the sole purpose of ruining my life... some days are just harder and you really do have to fake it, till you feel it.   Thanks for reading!