battles, birthdays, and BOO's!

     October has been an interesting month for us with highs and lows, wins and blows.  Together we stood as a family and rode the waves better than we have in previous months.  We are growing in leaps and bounds instead of the jerks and lurches.  October has held tears, laughter, hits, and hugs.  It has shown us where our strengths and weaknesses are.  It has made us stronger!

      As I have posted in the past, the munchkins bio mom never fails to make me cranky and bring out the roaring inner mama bear in me.   She has only made it to ONE visit this month.   After 3 no shows she was put on a plan where she would need to call in to confirm she would be there, before the kids were picked up.  It might have worked if she had actually kept her word... Instead she would call and say she was coming and the kids would be picked up.  Only then she wouldn't come.  The effects were heartbreaking.  As it turns out Adam's* tears were not from disappointment at missing the visits but because he has convinced himself that she doesn't love him.   One morning, the day after a missed visit, little man started to cry here is the conversation that followed:

Me:  Baby whats the matter?
Him: My mom no love me *sniff sniff
Me:  Yes she does Bud, she loves you so much, everyone loves you!
Him:  No, she never comes for me

At this point I just scooped him into a hug and told him how great he was and that sometimes grown ups make mistakes and do things that hurt others just like kids do and that she was just making a lot of mistakes lately but that it wasn't his fault.  It helped at the time but we are still having lots of tears about this issue.  I have been in constant contact with the lawyer and the case manager and now the new plan is that she will need to be at the visitation place before the kids will be picked up... we will see how this goes.

Adam turned three today!  His party was on Saturday and it was great!  Loud, but great!  I think it really did him good to be surrounded by people who love him.  The cake and presents didn't hurt either!  We bought him his first bike!  Of course it was lightning McQueen and has a matching helmet and a bunch of other goodies too.  He got a new game, a McQueen bedding set,  a CD, and a whole bunch of toys.    When we sang happy birthday, he sang the loudest!  It was exactly what he needed!    

First ride on the new bike!




Halloween is on Wednesday and I can not wait!  The baby is going as an elephant.  Let me just say that carters knows how to design a baby costume!  Not only is it very soft and adorable but the cuteness factor goes way up when she crawls!  Middle monster is a pirate and loves running around with his finger looking like a hook ARGing at people.  And Micah will be a ghoul, complete with chains.  We are all very excited for the candy.  Especially me, as I have a mom tax that must be paid!

 

All in all October was great!  I can not wait for more months like this one I love how much we have grown together as a family! Thank you all for reading and for any prayers or positive thoughts you send our way as we strive to make it through our first year as a foster family and build a home for these babies!  Love you all!

Our song to the babies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

A day at the farm

Fall is probably my favorite season.  The weather is finally cooling down and everything is crispy.  I love fall scents and the colors.  Mostly I love fall activities.  October fest, Halloween, pumpkin carving, the whole bit!  But especially the weather.  This weekend was so perfect we decided to spend the day at the pumpkin patch.  Jimi has an ear infection so my mom and I took the munchkins out.  It was so much fun!   We did the corn maze and everyone got to take turns leading.  We ate hamburgers and hot dogs outside, and we did lots of "farm-y" activities.  The farm had a huge air pillow which is a lot like a bounce house but bigger and with no walls.  Wow what a fun time!  Adults can go on it too so I was up there jumping with the monsters while my mom stood in the shade with the baby.  That is until the baby started waving her arms around and shrieking to join us!  So I brought the baby on too and she really loved it!
     Once we had done all the farm had to offer we piled into my car and headed to go see my Grandma.  We had a nice visit with her but it was a little too short since the baby morphed into mini monster and started crying... that's been known to happen when she gets tired.  All in all it was a great day.  Sometimes it is so easy to forget that these kids are not really my kids. Sometimes we really feel like a natural family.   That's OK though.  I want us to feel that way, even if it is more dangerous to my heart, and in the end if it goes to adoption then nothing will change but if they go home at least they will go having had an awesome time and knowing they are loved.
        Until next time, happy fall! 

The latest court update

We went back to court today and I am still a little shocked.  Everyone was under the impression that it would go to severance because bio mom hasn't been doing anything except showing up to *some of* her visits...  Everyone was wrong. 

    Today we got pushed out again!  Our next court date will not be for another six months!  I know I am shocked too!  Today I have been really quiet as I try to process what this means for our little family.  I guess the bonding assessment did find a bond.  It was not a strong bond but one they can develop.  The Psychiatrist also recommended a full scale psych evaluation because she felt it "was necessary".  The psych evaluation is why it is being pushed out so far.  I guess it will take until December for her to get the appointment, and the results will not be back until January and then she will need time to complete any counseling that would be ordered based on her mental state. So that part was bad. However, it was good because I had a great conversation with bio mom.  She told me she is going back and forth about what is best for the kids.  Her words were " The baby has been in your care her whole life, you are the only mom she knows and I am just some lady who is kinda cool to hang out with every now and then.  I love my children and I want them with me but maybe that is a selfish idea, maybe they are better off with you."     I hope she keeps going with that thought process because we are so in love with these kids that it is actually scary.  

   Another thing she said also sent me for a loop.  She told me about how when they were doing the bonding assessment Adam looked at her and said  " I want my mama"  Then she said "I am right here" to which he replied  "no, you are my mom, I want my mama"  and then tried to leave the room in search of me.

I can't imagine how painful that had to be for her.   My mother asked me what I said in response to that and I honestly can not remember.  You see, lately,  I have really been worried that Adam didn't love me,  worried he didn't want me, worried our bond wasn't that of a "real" mother and child.   So when she told me that he asks for me even when I am not around it was a profound moment.  It was like hearing your child's heart beat for the first time, or like the first time they say your name.  I am still choked up about it.   All the worrying about if we could ever be a whole healthy family if it goes to adoption went away.  He wants me even when he has her.  I don't know if I am explaining this right because I still feel ruled by my emotions tonight but I hope I am explaining it well.  "Normal moms" don't have to worry about if their child really loves them but a foster mom does and to know he wants me even when she is around is so huge!  I would be on cloud nine if it weren't for the fact we have to wait so long for the next trial.  If I had found that out and had the case plan changed to severance and adoption I am sure there would be no escaping the fallout of my joy, so tonight is bitter sweet but I will take it.  Good night all and thanks for reading!